Screwball

My emotions are all screwy right now. I'm depressed, cranky, and generally not in a good mood. I put up a front for the family and friends, but on the inside I'm not feeling good.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone. I used to talk to her, but we haven't had a real conversation in a long time. I just hope I didn't alienate her by mistake. I still want to be friends with her, if she wants to be friends with me.
I almost feel like I'm going through the breakup with her all over again. I'm getting the same feelings and emotions as I did from last summer/fall. I'm sad, wanting to see her, but she's off having fun with other people. We supported each other quite a bit, I've realized. She was a shoulder for me to cry on, and I was a shoulder for her to cry on. Now I don't have that. The closest thing I have is this blog, which is a poor substitute.
Perhaps I'm a little jealous, too. She's off doing things like hiking and camping, things I want to do, but I'm stuck at home going to school. Of course she's not in school now, so she has time for things like that. I haven't seen her in a long time, not since the end of March. I should ask her if she wants to hang out again sometime soon.
I miss her.

How can I get myself out of this rut I'm stuck in? I just feel like I'm not going anywhere in life, just constantly slogging through class after class, getting crappy grades all around. Ok, I'm passing my classes, but my low grades are pissing me off. I want to do something fun this summer, get out and go for a trip or something. But no, I'll be in school most of the summer, so I can't do anything fun.

That's another thing that's getting to me. There exists a certain school of thought around my family, that you can't do much of anything besides school because you have to spend all your free time doing school work. It's like "sorry, can't have fun, you're in school." That pisses me off. It's summer, dammit, and I want to have fun, even if I'm in school! This mentality has been around for a long time, but I only became aware of its existence recently. Now I have to figure out how to break out of it, and do some fun things this summer. I want to get my driver's license, for one. That is contingent on being able to afford the insurance payments, however. But still. I feel hemmed in, restricted because I can't just drive myself away from it all to a hiking or camping trip in the mountains. I love hiking and camping, but we don't do it often enough. I haven't even been camping with my family since I was 13, which was ten years ago. But it's hard to drag my family out on stuff like that anymore. My sister is eager enough to go, but my parents - specifically, my mom - always seem to find some excuse or another not to go. It annoys me, and is another reason to get my driver's license. Then I can just pack it up and go with my sister, or whoever.
I miss the freedom I had with a girlfriend. A built in excuse to just get out and away from family for awhile, and do some exciting things while I'm at it. As it is, school is my escape from family, even if it's only for a few hours per day. It's better than nothing. At school, I'm treated like an adult, with respect, and I treat other people that way too.
At home, I feel like I'm being held back, in a thousand different little ways. From being told to do this or that, to being told I can't do this or that, it gets to me. I feel restrained, hemmed in, repressed, shut out, stopped, of all that I can achieve, if I am just let go to achieve it, freed from restrictions, shaken loose of my moorings, given free rein to go out into the world and do something.

LET ME GO!