Unsaid Words

Every time she says those three words, I want to say them too.
Every time I can't, I feel a little guilty for not saying them.
But whenever I try to say those words, they catch in my throat.
I see a flashback of what happened when she said those words before. I'm sure she meant them once, but it was all lies in the end. I was still left alone, crying into my pillow, while she got ready to marry someone she'd been seeing for less than two months. My heart was shattered into uncountable pieces. The pain I felt was unlike any other pain: exquisite, piercing, unending.
But I've been over that already, in last year's blog entries.

And now, here we are again. She got dumped, and came back to me. We're boyfriend/girlfriend again, and everything is just fine, right?

Um, no.

She says she loves me, and she probably does. But I wish she would stop saying it so much.
I don't know if I can love her back yet.
I like her, yes, but liking and loving are different things. I like a lot of people, but I don't have much emotional investment in my relationships with them. On the other hand, loving someone is more of an emotional investment. It can be riskier, but it is infinitely more rewarding.

She called her breakup with me a bad lapse in judgment. That's not a very nice way to say it. "Oops, I had a lapse in judgment, but everything's fine now, I've learned from my mistakes, blah blah blah."

Bullshit.

She can call our breakup what she likes, but calling it something like that just trivializes the whole thing, reducing what I - and she - went through to a little nothing, just something to be mentioned in passing, insignificant. From my POV, our breakup with kind of significant.

The last time I loved her, I paid for it, and paid dearly.
Can you understand why I'm being a little more cautious this time?