All the Things She Said

When we broke up, there were things she said. A lot of things she said. Those things hurt then, and they still hurt a little now.

Was she trying to justify our breakup by finding fault where none or little existed? Was she trying to make herself feel better about dumping me, leaving me a little sobbing blob in the gutter? Was she just being a little bitch?

Probably not that last one.

She called me a boy, instead of a man. That pissed me off. Who the fuck is she to decide if I'm one thing or another? I'm the only one that decides that. Other people can call me one or another, but which one I see myself as is the only one that matters. I see myself as a man - I went over this in a previous entry - but I act like a boy sometimes too. If she goes out with me again, she'll just have to put up with whichever one -man or boy - she thinks I am.

She had some things to say about my family members, too. Ok, while I can agree with some of what she said, they're still rude things to say. Especially when she's been borderline rude to them more than once. I don't want an apology, since I doubt she'd give one anyway. Instead, I want a promise that she'll phrase things more politely next time. If there is a next time.

Ah, the "next time." The concept of her and I getting back together, after a year apart. It will be a year, tomorrow afternoon. Last August 19th, she turned my life upside down with only four words:

"I wanna break up."

The most feared words in the English language, and words that caught me completely off guard. With those words, she threw my life into a tailspin that lasted for three months. I pulled out of it, and I'm a better person fpr having gone through it. I learned a lot of things, even though the pain of the whole process was indescribable.
That's part of the reason I'm not jumping at the chance to go out with her again, as she offered me a few weeks ago. I remember what happened the first time, and memories like that have a
way of sticking with you. Something else happened in that one-year period , too.

I fell out of love with her.

Sure, she's still a good person, and a good friend, but I don't love her anymore. I like her, but liking and loving someone are two different things. I didn't think it was possible, but that's what has happened. I have my own life now, and she's not as large a part of it as she used to be. I still like to hang out with her every so often. She's an interesting person either way.

I'm fine with being single. I miss the sex a little, but whatever. I got along fine without it for years, and I've gotten along without it for a year now. I know I'll find "the one" eventually. It may take some time, like with my parents, or I may be married in only a few years. I'm patient, though. I only have one shot - unless I divorce - and I want to make it count.

So, now what? I should change my attitude towards her a little bit. I want to project more of the "friend" image and less of the "potential boyfriend" image. Which means no more letting her get away with feeling me up. :P Which doesn't mean I still can't be nice to her, though. I just have to make clear to her that I'm not her boyfriend anymore, nor do I have any intention of becoming her boyfriend again.

For the near future, anyway.