Arguing With Myself

Am I mad at her?

I don't know. Are you mad at her?

No. Why should I be? All she did was break up with me, leave me crying in the dirt while she went off to her perfect new life with her perfect new boyfriend.

So you aren't mad at her?

Nope. Not a bit.

And yet, you sent her an email marking what would have been your three-year anniversary together. The email had a bitter tone to it, that could have been interpreted different ways.

So?I was just doing something to commemorate what would have been a nice occasion. three years together would count for something. Except, it didn't happen. It didn't even get within 9 months of happening.

Ok, let me review. You say you're not mad at her. And yet, you sent her a bitter email, consistently have unkind thoughts about her, and don't have any interest in seeing her - even as a friend - anytime soon, if ever again. Are you sure you're not mad at her?

...

Alright, I guess I am mad at her. I don't know if I would call it mad, though. Whenever I think of her, I just have this feeling of bitterness. Feelings of how she broke up with me, then ran off with another guy. The other guy dumped her in two months, but still. I guess I'm still bitter about the whole thing.

And yet, you forgave her for her role in it.

Yeah, I did. I know she did what she thought was best at the time. After a lot of thought, I've grudgingly accepted it as the right thing, too. My bitterness towards the whole thing now is my problem, not hers. I don't want to take it out on her, though. While she is by no means blameless, I don't blame her for this. Much.

What would you do if you met her again?

Honestly, I'm not sure. I would do my best to be polite, but part of me still wants to just let into her for doing what she did. Sometimes I think about just yelling in her face, "you heartless, manipulative little bitch!" or something even worse.

What purpose would doing that serve?

That's the thing. It wouldn't serve any purpose. Doing that would just make her mad, sad, or some combination of the two. I would feel like shit later, and feel really guilty for doing that. Just like I felt guilty whenever I made her cry when we were together. There's less at stake now, but still.

So what are you going to do now?

I don't know for sure. If she signs on to IM sometime when I'm on, I'm going to try and talk to her. I owe her an explanation for my odd behavior, at least. Or maybe I'll just ignore her again, and let her wonder.
Or maybe I'll do something completely different.