Do I like her? Do I not like her?
It's been a long time since we were anything official, yet I still can't sort out my emotions. I want to see her, but I also want to push her away. I want to embrace the future and what it may hold, but I don't want to forget the past, or those I left behind. I want to learn from my history, or else I am doomed to repeat it.
I like to see her, but she can get on my nerves sometimes. I think she noticed when we were together, even though I tried to hide it. That self-centeredness, especially. The bit about deserving more just because she's blind. Well guess what, the world at large doesn't give a flaming fart. Sometimes one just has to suck it up and put up with things.
It's interesting, to have these feelings playing out in my head. I don't actively think about them much, but in quiet moments, they come to the fore. Do I do this? Do I do that? Do I pursue her again? Do I ignore her entirely, and go live my own life without her?
I think I have to strike a balance of some kind between the two. I have a separate live know, as does she. My life revolves around family, school, and my hobbies. Her life revolves around... I don't know anymore. Around herself? It always seemed that way.
Of course, it's not like I'm a totally selfless person. I can be selfish at times, too. I just try to minimize those times I am.
I still have memories of the time we were together. But they are fading to the back of my consciousness. They seem less relevant now. Some of them are also painful, so I ignore them. I have the good memories, which I'll pull out when I want to reminisce. But I don't do that very often. For now, I want to try making some new memories.
If she'll let me.
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