Shock.

Wow. A whole week without posting. Things have changed a little since I last posted. Last Wednesday night, I was IMing my ex. Yeah, I know, but I wanted to talk. She dropped two big bombshells. First, she's planning to move in with her new guy. Second, she already has an engagement ring picked out.

Holy shit. Oh my fucking gawd.

That was the worst shock to my system I have gotten. Ever. I was hurting badly for three days. I couldn't do anything except go through the motions. At home, I would sit around and watch TV, or just do nothing. I just kept thinking about it. She did apologize for doing it, at least. She didn't want me to have any false hopes of us getting back together. Ouch. Just ouch.
That doesn't make it feel any better, thank you very much!

Enough.

I'm tired of being in pain.
I started writing her a letter on Thursday. Or was it Friday? Anyway, I poured out all my feelings over our breakup onto paper. I told her exactly what I thought. I told her that I wasn't going to communicate with her anymore. I want to, but I can't right now. The wound hurts. Her getting together with someone else so soon only makes it hurt more. I told her she could call me if she wanted. I want to leave one line of communication open. I closed the others. Her attempts to chat with me are blocked on IM, her email is saved, marked as read, and ignored, and I haven't visited her blog on three days. I can't visit her blog right now. I want to, but I see pictures of her and her new guy, and I can't take it.
So, I'm trying to move on now. It's hard. Every time I close my eyes, there she is. I see reminders of her all around. Things she bought me, places we went, reminders of things we did. Traces of love.
Endlessly, I think of what I could have done to prevent this. But, would it have worked, or would it have only delayed the inevitable? I don't know. I wish I did.
So now, I'm trying to pick up the pieces and move on. I don't forget. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. Given how I hurt her, I never want to do that again.
I still miss her. I still care for her.

Do I still love her?

Can you ever stop loving someone?