Always Questions

When did it start to go wrong?

Where do I stand with her?

Did she break up with me to hook up with him?

Is she better for having gone out with me?

Ah yes, I always have questions. Why so many questions? My endless pursuit of knowledge, I guess. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice.
I emailed her the other day, asking if I could see her for a little talk. I got a polite no and apology in reply. I don't like it, but I don't want to bother her much. Why doesn't she want to see me?

She wants to close that chapter of her life, and move on with the next chapter. You might be like a part of the old chapter.

Yeah, I suppose that could be true. Besides that, I'm her ex boyfriend, so things could be awkward. I want to keep in touch with her somehow, though.

You still can. You have her MySpace, her email addresses, her phone number, her home address.. whether or not you use them to contact her is another matter.

Perhaps she doesn't want to see me, as that would just remind her of the pain. Of the pain she caused me when she broke up with me. Of the pain I have felt, and still feel, although less. She's been broken up with, so she knows what I'm going through. Maybe that's why; she doesn't want to feel my pain. I wouldn't make her feel it, though. It's my pain, and mine alone.
Part of me is afraid to find another girlfriend, for fear that this will happen again. But then I tell myself that the next time will be different; yes, I will find love again. We will learn from each other, and move on when the time is right. But there's nothing wrong with maintaining contact with old friends, either.
I have a dream, of someday getting her back again, after we've both grown older and mellowed a little. We'd live in our own little house in the country, complete with a white picket fence and all that.
Then, I also ask myself, do I really want her back again?

Part of me says yes, yes!

The other part of me does not know.