Companionship & Other Stuff

That's what I miss the most from Kitty.
A companion.
Someone to talk with.
Someone to trust. To tell my secrets to. To have long conversations with until late at night, after we both should've been in bed.
Someone to hold, and be held by.
Someone to walk with, to hang out with, to do things with.
Someone to laugh with.
Someone to laugh with, to cry with, just someone to be with.
Someone to love and be loved by.

Will I find this type of gentle, tender, loving companionship again? I don't know. Will it, through some odd happenstance, be with her, after we have both grown up? I don't know. Part of me hopes so.
The other part of me is excited at the possibilities in front of me.

We both have an end we want to get to. Does Kitty have the better means, or do I?
I don't know. If I were to analyze it, I would come out ahead in some spots, she in others.
We are both mature in different areas. She wants it all, now, while I am willing to wait a little. I'm still a kid sometimes, while she has the wisdom of experience. Does that make her an adult, or just a big girl? I don't know.
Is there such a thing as emotional maturity? If so, which of us is more emotionally mature? She seems infatuated with her new boyfriend, but I was infatuated with her, too.

We both have more independence in some areas, too. She lives on her own, while I still live at home. She, while having the capability to support herself, instead lives on government welfare, as she has for several years. She does have a large fear of rejection, which hampers her efforts at finding a job, though.

I trivialized that once. I wish I hadn't.

I have the capability to find a job, although it is difficult to do when I am in school. I tried it last year, and it didn't work all that well. I can support myself, but I would have to quit school if I did. Some days, I want to move out, while other days, I am okay where I am. If I did move out, I would have to make a plan of some kind first. I would also want to get a driver's license, which I have only just begun looking into.
She always wanted me to get a driver's license. I always said that the insurance costs would be too high. Now, I don't know if that is true or not. Was I just afraid, and trying to dodge the question?

In a way, I have to thank her. Her own independence - financial situation excepted - has lead me to look at ways I could get my independence. I have a rough goal of being independent - driver's license, credit card, my own money for college, place of my own - by this time next year. Whether or not I will meet that goal, I don't know. I know I can meet it, but it's whether or not I want to meet it right now. If I am ready to push myself out of my comfort zone that much.
She lives for pushing her comfort zone. I don't so much. It's interesting, though. She tries to push her comfort zone, but sometimes ends up back where she started. She needs to develop a plan, carry it out, and follow through. Sure, she might not get everything right now, but she will get it, and be more prepared for it. I always tried to help her with that. But it's hard, changing somebody who doesn't want to change. I'm sure she can attest to that!

She says she felt like she was talking to a brick wall when she talked about what she wanted to do with her life. I'm sorry for that. I could comprehend on some level how important her passions are to her, but I failed to express that back to her. I only realize now how much damage I did, and I am sorry.

At the time, it was just too overwhelming for me. Now, I can think about it. I even thought about doing it with her, while we were still together. I'd be the planner, working in the background from a computer, and she'd be the doer, out on the front lines. I wouldn't be afraid to join her out there, either. Sometimes, it takes two. Together, we would have made quite a team.

She feels she deserves certain things, because of the suffering she has endured. Yes, she has suffered, but is she doing something right now to make herself deserve those things?
It's the old law of equal exchange again: For what you get, you must also give.
What counts as giving, and what doesn't count? Does being born with an assortment of health problems count for or against the law? Or, is it just karma catching up to you? I don't know. I have trouble with abstracts.

She isn't talking to me much right now. Is that good or bad? Part of me hates it, but I also recognize the necessity of it. If I talked to her, would all the feelings I still have over the break-up come back to the surface?
Betrayal.
Sadness.
Loss.
Anger.
Surprise.
Jealousy.
I am keeping them suppressed right now, but they might come back. Then again, they might fade away, as ethereal and fleeting as a morning fog.
I don't want them to come back. I don't want to fall back into that pit again. But, that's really up to me, isn't it? Whether I fall back in, or keep going without looking back.

I still have questions for her, too.

Did she really dump me for the other guy?
This is the big question. I'm not sure if I want to know the answer just yet.

Did I try hard enough? I guess I know the answer to that one.
Did she really get over me that fast? It's possible, I'm sure, but I don't know.

Some day, I will put my questions into an email for her. My curiosity is insatiable, and I want to know the answers. But not yet. I'm not ready.

Some day, I will be ready.
Someday, if an odd combination of events happen, I might have Kitty again.
I know that might not happen, but for now, it is a pleasant thought. I loved her deeply, and I still do on some level.
Does she still love me? I doubt it. She is concerned for me, however, and still thinks of me as a friend. I'm hoping she will put up with me for a time longer.

Someday, I might find another woman more perfect than Kitty. If that is possible.
Someday, months, years from now, we might be happy with each other just as we are.

Someday.