Thinking & Healing

I took the day off today. I spent my time thinking. And thinking some more.

Yesterday, I was a raw ball of emotions. I had had a bad dream the night before, which upset me for the whole day. I had an urgent need to see Kitty again. I hadn't seen her since we broke up, and it felt like she was dead. Since I was already downtown, I called her and left a message. A few minutes later, she called me back.

I met her at her apartment building. We walked and talked for over an hour. It was very theraputic for me. We discussed our lives, our time together, what she's doing next, what I'm doing next, almost any subject.

I even cried a little bit.

I wanted to lean my head on her shoulder and sob, but I couldn't. She is already going out with another guy, so there was an invisible barrier between us. That hurt me a little. I'm used to just snuggling up to her.

In some aspects of life, she is ahead of me. She has so many ideas of what she wants to do, sometimes she can't focus on them all. They are all good ideas, too. I wish I had paid more attention to them when we were going out, since they mean so much to her. But, there is nothing I can do about that now. Better to focus on my future, and learn from the past.

I advised her to wait and get her degree before she goes to China. If she were to go next year like she wants, what would she do there? Even she is not too clear on that. Ultimately though, it is her choice. I can only watch.

We talked about friendship. I still want to have a friendship with her, after I have finished grieving about the loss our relationship.

I asked her, if I were to change enough, would she take me back? She smiled a little sad smile, and shook her head. She is happy where she is now. I'm glad she is happy. At the same time, I'm sad she could not be happier with me.

So, I continue the grieving process. It's a slow process, but it'll take as much time as I need it to. Life goes one, and I hope that I will sometime find another woman like Kitty. It won't be the same woman, as there is only one like her.

That'll be ok, though.